Relationship Jokes

You’re sure to love these funny relationship jokes! There’s more than a couple of them!


Love And Relationship Jokes

Couple jokes

Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?

Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal.

Me: My truck.

A couple were arguing over which of them got to finish preparing their son’s trifle.

It was a custardy battle.

A police officer says to a couple, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire.”

The couple ask, “Was it arson?”

The officer answers, “Yes, it was your son”.

What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates.

I just ended a five year relationship.

In hindsight, the arguing couple at the store was none of my business.

Dating jokes

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

I’ll never join one of those online dating services.

I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

When I see lover’s names engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic…

I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.””They are just big raisins.”

Two windmills were on a date.

One said to the other, “What type of music do you like?”

The other replied, “I’m a huge metal fan.”

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, “Hey, let’s exchange numbers.”

I said, “Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?”

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside she ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

I used to date a baker.

But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.

If two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating…

Or just mething around?

Why should you never date a tennis pro?

Because love means nothing to them.

I started dating my yoga instructor.

Now we’re friends with zenefits.

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery.

She was in charge of the hops.

Divorce jokes

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

Jedi’s make lousy spouses.

They always threaten to use divorce.

My wife is getting sick of me not cleaning the coffee machine after I’m done.

She thinks it’s grounds for divorce.

So I divorced my cross-eyed wife.

We didn’t see eye to eye.

I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies.

So I did that.

Now my wife wants a divorce.

Ex jokes

I’m making a graph of my past relationships.

I have an ‘ex’-axis and a ‘why?’-axis.

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from their ex?

My ex.

The last time I saw my ex girlfriend, she was getting on a plane to go to Helsinki.

Then she vanished into Finn Air.

I’m sitting in a bar where my ex girlfriend works.

I’m hoping she gives me another shot.

I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

My ex-girlfriend’s dad turned 50 and bought himself a Sebring convertible.

He was having a midlife Chrysler.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They’ll kill your dog.

While visiting the museum, I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Girlfriend jokes

My girlfriend has her own taser.

She’s a real stunner.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “I think we need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

My girlfriend said she slept with 5 people before we met.

I wouldn’t mind but I was only 20 minutes late.

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

My friend told me he’d seen another guy put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

I said I didn’t believe him.

Nobody’s got arms that long.

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

My girlfriend has changed a lot since she became vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?


Husband and wife jokes

The other day my wife asked me, “Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, “Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?”

I replied, “They had avocados.”

My wife just threatened to leave me because of my “Filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

My wife and I were up all night arguing about whose turn it was to do the laundry.

At 2 am, I folded.

My wife gets angry…

That I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.

My wife complained that I don’t buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine’s Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”

I replied, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

I asked my girlfriend to rate my listening skills.

She said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend.

My wife said to me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents’ place.

My wife is a body builder.

She’s pregnant.

My wife just told me that in 9 months I’ll have a little surprise

!I can’t wait for Santa to come now… I hope it’s an Xbox.

My wife just accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.

They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier.

I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”

So then they asked why I was reporting it now.

I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

Wedding and marriage jokes

“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…

If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.

The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

Why do guys gain weight after they get married?

Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”

The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV, “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She was watching our wedding video again.

My Indian friend just told her parents she wants to wear a Western dress at her wedding.

She said, “Sorry, but not Sari.”

I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.

He said, “Suit yourself.”

Wedding anniversary jokes

My battery died when I was recording my wife giving a toast at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary.

Now I’m never going to hear the end of it.

For our anniversary, I gave my wife a small picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

I asked my wife if she’d like a new diamond ring to celebrate our anniversary.

“Nothing would make me happier,” she said.

So I got her nothing.

It’s our wedding anniversary today.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.

2005 and 2013.

Why am I excited for my wedding anniversary trip?

It’s going to be a trip of a wifetime.

I asked my wife to cook me a Japanese meal for our anniversary.

Sushi did.

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