Here’s a weighty collection of funny fat jokes and puns! If you’re on the verge of laughter, these should tip the scales!
Funny Fat Jokes
Finally my winter fat has gone.
Now, I have spring rolls.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke?
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall or short, thin or fat, rich or poor, at the end of the day…
It’s night.
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person.
Her actual words were, “You’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
My favorite way to roast brussels sprouts:
Toss in olive oil, lay them out on baking sheet and say, “Your mother’s so fat she was sold as a cabbage!”
A coworker told me that I’m fat, stupid, and ugly.
I told him that I’m not ugly.
My now ex-firlfriend said, “I don’t want to go out. I feel so fat.”
I said, “Don’t worry, you look great. Are you ready to roll?”
Why did the clock get fat?
It kept going for seconds.
“Dad, I feel fat and ugly, give me a compliment.”
Dad: You have good eyesight!
Please be kind to fat people!
They have a lot on their plate.
My wife said I’d gotten fat since she married me.
I said, “Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That’s a great return on investment!”
Life is like a box of chocolates.
It doesn’t last as long for fat people.
My wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently, “It’s just you” was not the correct response.
Why were old computers heavier?
Because they used a FAT file system.
My son is getting so fat, I’ve decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can’t reach.
The floor.
Why are fat people good at handling responsibility?
Because they can’t run from it.
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense…
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
Why is fatty acid the coolest carbon chain?
Because it’s fat with a pH.
I was going to tell a fat joke.
But the consequences will weigh on me.
I was such a fat baby…
That instead of a stork, I was delivered by a crane.
Why do fat Romans dress tight and slim Romans dress loose?
Because their L is bigger than their XL.
My dietician just told me that bacon is 78% fat and salty, too.
Well, me too, bacon, me too.
This is not a fat belly…
It’s just relaxed abs.
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She smiled and answered, “I do.”
A man takes his cat to the vet. “My cat is very fat so I am worried about his health.”
“Okay,” says the vet. “Let’s have a look at him.” So she picks the cat up, and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes and into its ears. At the end of the exam the vet states, “I’m going to have to put your cat down now.”
“What? Because he’s too fat?” Says the man in disbelief.
“Yes. He’s very heavy. And my arms are getting tired.”
Fat Dad Jokes
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice.
Why is a woman’s recommended body fat percentage higher than a man’s?
Because she’s graded on a curve.
Today marks 1 year since I started paying for the gym, and I’m still fat.
I think I’ll need to go there personally and check what’s wrong.
Why are ghosts so fat?
Because they’re scared to exorcise.
What do you call group of fat babies?
Heavy infantry.
What do a fat person in America and a rich person in the UK have in common?
They have a lot of pounds.
I ran over a fat guy with my car once.
It took me a while to get over him.
I’ll never forget the day I first met my wife.
We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat friend.
They’d gone together dressed as the number 10.
I knew there and then that she was the one!
I enjoy making fat jokes because they target a wider audience…
And they’re tons of fun.
“Does this uniform make me look fat?”
– insecurity guard.
Why are fat kids such good children?
They’re well rounded.
Why do raccoons get fat?
Because their diet is trash.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Christmas is just like a day at the office.
You do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Do you know why I don’t make fat jokes?
Because they wouldn’t be appreciated by the wider audience.
A lot of people are pretty upset about “fat shaming” jokes these days.
Maybe they need to lighten up.
I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day.
I’m tired of being fat every day.
I was going to make a fat joke.
It didn’t work out.
Why do you never see a fat ninja?
Because fat ninjas are the best ninjas.
Obesity Jokes
My obese parrot died today.
Sad, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
I witnessed the break up of an obese couple.
I guess they didn’t work out.
Ending childhood obesity is simple.
It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby.
What’s the biggest city in the United States?
Obesity.
Did you hear about the obese gold digger I used to date?
She was my biggest Miss Take.
What do you call an obese rodent?
A double-chinchilla.
A woman visits the doctor.
Doctor: Madame, you are obese.
Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!
Doctor: Your hair looks stupid.
My Chinese wife is so obese…
She weighs wonton.
What do you call a fat vampire?
Morbidly obese.
I went to a website about causes of obesity.
A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.
Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.
There were just too many elephants in the room.
Someone called me obese yesterday, but I didn’t say anything back to them.
I was the bigger person.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
What letters does a fat man like?
O-b-c-d.
I got a cute little pig as a pet. Soon it grew bigger and bigger and I worried it would become obese and die.
So I cured it.
Did you hear about the obese man who liked to make fun of animals’ weights?
He was hippo-critical.
I invented a bouncing platform to help obese hobos lose weight.
I call it a Tramp o’ Lean.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family.
The problem is no one runs in your family.
Skinny people have OCD.
Fat people have OBCD.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Did you hear about the obese millionaire?
He has a four chin.
What do you call an obese murderer?
A killer whale.
Best Fat Puns
What are fat people good at?
They XL in clothing.
Never make fun of fat girls with lisps.
They’re thick and tired of it.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
15th century women weren’t fat.
They were Gothiccc.
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
You can go from fat to fit…
With one good vowel movement.
I’m not fat…
I’m a roll model.
What do you call a fat neo-nazi?
A wide supremacist.
I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien.
It’s called “Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol”.
How did the fat duck die?
It had a heartaquack.
What do you call a really fat knight?
Sir Cumference.
Why is Cardi-B fat?
Because she doesn’t get enough Cardi-O.
What does Elmer Fudd call fat shaming?
Weighcism.
I’ve decided I don’t want to be fat, so I now identify as skinny.
Guess that means I’m trans-slender.
Be careful of charming fat guys, ladies.
They are just trying to get into your pantries.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
Plumpkin.
Why doesn’t the fat king have good ideas?
Because he’s not thin king.
Yo Mama So Fat Jokes
Yo mama so fat, she went out in high heels, and came back in flip flops.
Yo mama so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.
Yo mama so fat, she wears a watch on both wrists, one for each timezone.
Yo mama so fat, she had to be baptized at Sea World.
Yo mama so fat, you have to take the subway and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mama so fat, when she changes her cellphone from one pocket to the other the area code changes too.
Yo mama so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama so fat, I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
Yo mama so fat, she puts her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
Yo mama so fat, she poured two drops of water into the tub and got in. It still overflowed.
Yo mama so fat, she has her own gravity.
Yo mama so fat, she got triabetes.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on her iPhone she created the iPad.
Yo mama so fat, the Sorting Hat put her in Waffle House.
Yo mama so fat, when she became a politician she had to run for two seats in the Senate.
Yo mama so fat, she walked in front of the TV and I missed three whole episodes.
Yo mama so fat, when she falls out of bed she falls out on both sides.
Yo mama so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it can only go down.
Yo mama so fat, the strip club calls her Hitler after all the damage she’s done to the poles.
Yo mama so fat, the earth was flat until they buried her.
Yo mama so fat, I tried to run her over with my car but ran out of gas half way.
Yo mama so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat, her pronouns are Hershey.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.
Yo mama so fat, I have to use a a full tank of gas to talk about her behind her back.
Yo mama so fat, when she was born she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat, she gets group insurance.
Yo mama so fat, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.
More Funny Jokes
If these hilarious puns and jokes about fat left you hungry for more, you may also enjoy these other jokes:
