Contractor Jokes And Puns

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Funny Contractor Jokes

Apparently the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.

But the contractor kept cutting corners.

I asked my contractor why he didn’t bill me for my new roof.

He said, “Don’t worry about it, it’s on the house!”

My doctor told me not to make sandwiches myself any more.

So I hired a sub contractor.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpet on the steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

When the contractor completed digging the well on time, both him and client said …

“Well done!”

I have to change my roof but don’t have any money.

Thankfully, the contractor said it’ll be on the house.

What do you call a tractor in prison?

A contractor.

Someone’s developed a machine that shrinks military leaders.

They’re calling it a general contractor.

I hired a contractor to put up a fence, but he never returned my calls.

I figured he was stone-walling me.

I’m a contractor.

I scam tractors.

I work in a manufacturing mill.

It’s crazy how many general contractors you see.

But I’ve never seen a single lieutenant or corporal contractor.

This contractor knocked on my door today and convinced me to invest in wine storage.

He was a stellar cellar seller.

Did you hear about the skyscraper that split in half?

The engineers say the contractors didn’t build it to specifications.

The contractors say the engineers didn’t design it right.

All I know is that there are two sides to every story.

My contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation.

He turned to me and said, “It’s no problem. At this stage, it’s just a pane.”

What do you call someone who works for their parents, but still lives at home?

A dependent contractor.

I think people should be more trusting of housing contractors.

They’ve really done their homework.

Why did the contractor close his fencing business?

He was having a hard time making ends meet.

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning’s work.

By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there’s something wrong.

Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.

He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich.

One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing.

He’s at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.

“Of course!” the boss exclaims, “He’s the subcontractor!”

Why can’t contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go ’round.

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year.. that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

A large defense contractor finally succeeded in building a supercomputer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders assembled in front of the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a hypothetical situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, “Attack or retreat?”

The computer hummed away for a minute and then came up with the answer, “Yes.”

The generals looked at each other, stupefied.

Finally one of them submitted a second request to the computer, “Yes what?”

Instantly the computer responded, “Yes, Sir!”

This building contractor dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday.

He ends up heaven where he’s greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.

Saint Peter shakes the guys hand and says, “Congratulations!”

The contractor is a little confused and says, “Congratulations for what?”

“Congratulations for what!?” says Saint Peter.

“We’re celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.”

The contractor says, “But that’s not right. I only lived to be 40.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We added up your time sheets!”

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”

Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house’s front door?

Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.

Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors?

They’re up all night to get Lockheed.

What kind of contractors do cannibals like?

Seasoned professionals.

A woman makes a complaint at a police station.

“Help officer. I’ve just been molested by a contractor!”

“How do you know he’s a contractor?” replies the officer.

“Well I had to do 70% of the work myself.”

Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house.

I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.

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