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They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My friend asked me, "What are your plans for the weekend?"
I said, "I'm going to buy glasses."
She said, "And then what?"
I replied, "Then I'll see."
I said, "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
He replied, "No sun."
My friend said to me, "I won't use stores that gender kids' beds."
I said, "Like a boycott?"
She said, "Don't you start."
The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...
You know what? Never mind. It's FINE.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it's sitting in the middle of the AC.
My son told me he didn't understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us."
Me: I'm terrified of random letters!
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: I see.
My twin brother called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
I found out why nurses carry red crayons...
In case they have to draw blood.
I said to my doctor, "I think I might have ADHD, because I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"
She said, "That's not how ADHD works."
I said, "But I keep losing my Focus!"
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
Now we call him Dr Awkward.
My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.
But he left me hanging.
A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, "Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be," giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard," the fly groans.
"What do you expect?" asks the mite. "I came up with it on the fly."
Which is heavier, one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?
The water.
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I said, "Yes just once."
He asked, "What was it like?"
I replied, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.
So I got out of bed to look with him.
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
She'd lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.
I don't usually do that kind of thing but luckily I'd just found $5,000 in the car park.
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it.
(c) The Humor Zone.
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