Vampire Jokes And Puns

Here’s a fantastic collection of funny vampire jokes and puns to get your teeth into! They definitely don’t suck!

Funny Vampire Jokes And Puns

Two priests bump into a vampire.

The first priest says, “Quick show him your cross!”

The other priest crosses his arms and says, “I’m so disappointed in you!”

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel.

Why do vampires seem sick?

They’re always coffin.

My son asked me, “Are vampires real?”

I said, “No, unless you Count Dracula.”

What does an artistic vampire do?

Draw blood.

I know some vampire puns…

But they suck.

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”

The second one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood also.”

The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”

Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn’t bite you.

They would just suck.

Why are vampires afraid of cows?

They’re made of steaks.

Why don’t vampires feel bad about the foul things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection.

The only way to kill a French vampire is to stab it in its heart with a baguette.

But the whole process is painstaking.

Why don’t vampires like to smoke?

They always end up coffin.

What’s a vampire’s favorite ice-cream flavor?


I met a vaping vampire.

He called himself Vlad the Inhaler.

Why do vampires make great project managers?

They always try to keep stake holders happy.

What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine.

How do you say goodbye to a vampire?

“So long sucker!”

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?


What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

“Long time, no see!”

What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?

Count Spatula.

Why did the vampire like eating Scandinavians?

Because he had a Swede tooth.

Why did the vampire become a police officer?

He heard they do stake outs.

What do vampires take for a scratchy throat?

Coffin drops.

What do vampires never order at restaurants?

The stake dinner.

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