We were desperate to go and get these funny toilet jokes and puns for you, so we hope they make a splash! If not, just wipe them clean from your mind!
Funny Toilet Jokes
Let’s begin with this great collection of the best jokes about toilets!
Some people call the toilet “The John”.
I call mine “The Jim”.
That way, I can proudly boast about spending 2 hours a day in The Jim.
What do call a broken toilet?
What do you call leftover poop stains in the toilet bowl?
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite.
But they’re a solid number 2.
What do toilets and anniversaries have in common?
Men always miss them.
A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.
“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.
His friend replies, “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole, and I sure as heck ain’t going down there for ten bucks.”
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty.
What do you say to a toilet on its birthday?
How do you find stealthy toilets?
You flush them out.
What’s the difference between the stock market and a camper toilet?
On the stock market you first pump and then dump, on a camper toilet you first dump then pump.
Where does a toilet go on vacation?
To the butt-hamas.
If you’re having financial problems, try investing in the toilet industry.
You’ll be flush with cash in no time.
How did the butt ask the toilet to marry him?
He pooped the question.
I’m no longer allowed to make toilet jokes.
My whole evening is flushed down the drain.
I forgot my mobile phone when I went to the toilet this morning.
On the plus side, I did learn that we have 422 tiles in our bathroom.
So a man asks for entry into a toilet-themed bar.
The bouncer at the door replies: Urine.
I saw a sign today that made me pee myself.
It said, “Toilets closed”.
I accidentally swallowed Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.
Why was the plumber depressed?
His career was going down the toilet.
A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.
“Excuse me,” he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, “Did I step on your foot when I went out?”
“Yes you did,” says the lady angrily.
“Oh good,” says the man, “That means I’m in the right row.”
Two dogs walk over to a parking meter.
One says to the other, “Well I never. They’re pay toilets.”
Two birds plan on doing their business on a parked car.
Upon noticing the parking meter, one says to the other, “I can’t believe we have to pay to use public toilets!”
Funny Toilet Paper Jokes
If you like jokes about toilet paper, you’ll love these hilarious toilet roll jokes. Don’t worry, they’re all clean!
What’s the difference between toilet paper and curtains?
I don’t know.
So it was YOU!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
I recently bought a toilet brush.
Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper.
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead.
The times are rough.
I ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings?
For all the party poopers!
How do you cook toilet paper?
It’s easy, you just brown it and then you throw it in the pot.
Toilet paper is so overpriced.
It’s such a rip off.
Did you hear the joke about toilet paper?
What’s the difference between toilet paper and wallpaper?
Don’t know? That’s gross.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I stopped buying cheap toilet paper.
It was a pain in the butt.
Why do lazy people eat toilet paper?
So it wipes on the way out.
What does the Starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That’s the last time I’m buying cheap toilet paper.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back.
I was at Costco today and a whole rack of toilet paper fell on me.
Thankfully, there was only some soft tissue damage.
Do you know how much I’ve spent on toilet paper this month?
A butt load.
My wife always yells at me for the way I face the toilet paper, but I can’t help it.
That’s how I roll.
People always say they wipe their butt with their left hand or their right hand.
Personally, I use toilet paper.
How would you describe one ply toilet paper?
Why didn’t the toilet paper have a lot of money?
It kept getting ripped off.
What did the toilet roll complain about?
People just keep ripping me off!
What’s the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.
A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York.
He phones reception and asks for some pepper.
“Of course. Would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.
“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.
Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I’d like to shake his hand.
I hate it when my finger rips through the toilet paper while wiping.
It was at this point I quit my job at the nursing home.
I got some sudoku toilet paper.
Sadly I can’t complete it, since I can only fill it with 1’s and 2’s.
Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.
They have obviously never seen me wiping my butt when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
Portable Toilet Jokes
You can carry these portable toilet jokes with you and use them anywhere!
How often is a portable toilet emptied?
Only after many moons.
How is marriage like a porta potty?
There are always people waiting to get in, or can’t wait to get out of them.
What did the police officer say to the failed portable toilet thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?
“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”
Why do women like the portable toilets at large outdoor events?
Because they get to see men stand in line to pee, too.
Why were there balloons in the portable bathroom?
It was a birthday potty.
What do you call a temporary toilet on a shipping dock?
A port-a potty.
What do you call the weight of a porta potty when the tank is full?
The gross weight.
Why are portable toilet transportation drivers involved in so few traffic accidents?
Because all the other drivers on the road give them plenty of space, just in case.
Toilet Jokes For Adults
You need to be a toilet-trained grown up for these hilarious toilet jokes for adults!
Why don’t they have toilet paper at KFC restrooms?
It’s finger lickin’ good.
I used a toilet brush today.
Now my hair is farted on the side.
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.
You know. Roll reversal.
The garbage truck wouldn’t pick up old toilet with the rest of the trash, so my wife said I need to take the toilet to the dump.
How the tables have turned!
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. If you’re eating, send me a bite. If you’re drinking, send me a sip. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What’s 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy.
An empty toilet roll.
I paused my film to make a cup of tea and go to the toilet.
Long story short, lost my job at the cinema.
I desperately needed a massive poop on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, “Is that a poo in your hand?”
I had a major breakthrough while on the toilet at work today.
Really wish they’d buy thicker toilet paper.
A guy says to his wife: “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”
Wife: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”
Guy: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”
Toilet Jokes For Kids
After our adult toilet jokes, it’s only fair we bring you these great toilet jokes for kids!
What kind of dog lives in a toilet?
What did the sink tell the toilet?
You look flushed!
What do you call a wizard on the toilet?
Someone stole all the toilets at the police station.
Unfortunately the police say they have nothing to go on.
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
What’s blue and sits on a toilet?
A policeman doing his duty.
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
Why are toilets so good at poker?
They always get a flush.
What kind of trees grow in the bathroom?
I went to the toilet earlier and took a poo.
Not sure whose it was, but it’s mine now.
If a small pig is a piglet, and if a small book is a booklet…
Is a small toy a toilet?
Who investigates toilet crimes?
The poolice. It’s their doody.
Why did the fart want to be a poop?
So he can go in the toilet to be with his friends.
What’s the difference between a toilet and a sink?
If you dont know, you’re not allowed at my house.
What happens when the King leaves the toilet?
A royal flush.
When does Q come before P?
When there’s a line for the toilet.
Which superhero saves the world by hanging around in bathrooms?
Toilet Bowl Jokes
These toilet bowl jokes certainly won’t go down the pan – they’ll bowl you over!
There are two reasons not to drink from the toilet bowl:
And number 2.
Mummy mummy can I lick the bowl?
No, flush it like everyone else.
What did Captain Kirk see when he looked into the toilet bowl?
I dreamt last night that my spirit arose from a toilet bowl.
It was an out of the potty experience.
A girl was cleaning the toilet bowl with her younger brother.
Then their mom walked in and yelled, “Get his head out of there!”
What’s the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?
If you don’t know, I’m never having soup at your place!
I really need to buy a new toilet bowl.
The one I have is full.
If a round of musical chairs were played using toilet bowls instead of chairs…
Would it be Game of Thrones?
Why do Pterodatcyls pee on the side of the toilet bowl late at night?
To make the P silent.
Why did company management illuminate the toilet bowls in the employee bathroom?
It was the cheapest way to lighten their load.
Which event do toilets bet on every year?
The Pooper Bowl.
I yelled my dog to stop drinking out of the toilet.
Later that day my dog yelled at me for peeing in the water bowl.
Toilet Seat Jokes
Take a seat and enjoy these hilarious jokes about toilet seats!
A thief broke into a family’s house and stole their toilet seat.
The police say they have nothing to go on.
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…
Is a warm toilet seat.
I put the toilet seat down once.
But then I felt bad and apologized to it.
My wife is threatening to leave me for never putting the toilet seat down.
Quite honestly, I’m getting a little tired of carrying it around anyway.
What’s worse than a cold public toilet seat?
A warm public toilet seat.
Dad fixed the crack in the toilet seat with superglue and forgot to tell mom.
She, of course, sat in it and got stuck.
The only thing to to was to take her, toilet seat and all, to the ER.
Dad asked the doctor, “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Yes, but never framed and mounted.”
Her: In the future, can you put the toilet seat down?
Me: Now I need to know how to time travel?
Confucius say, if toilet seat fall down, man going to Bangkok.
These new bidet toilet seats are great.
They make your but as clean as a whistle.
Which was a bit of a shock the first time I farted after using one.
Why do toilet seats detest unisex bathrooms?
Because of all the ups and downs.
How will we truly reach gender equality?
By leaving the toilet seat at a 45 degree angle for the next person to decide without bias.
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
Who knows? It’s never been done.
Toilet Dad Jokes
If you like corny dad jokes and enjoy lavatory humor, then you’ll love these toilet dad jokes!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet the other day.
It was clogged.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl dinosaur go to the toilet?
Because it has a silent P.
Where do toilets come from?
I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army.
They called me loo tenant.
What do you call a snow house without a toilet?
What kind of nut can be flushed down the toilet?
What’s it called when you take a call while on the toilet?
Voice over IP.
I tossed my old toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern!
What do you call a lizard on a toilet?
Did you hear about the toilet company that got shut down for being a monopoly?
They were number 1 and number 2 in the business.
One day I sent my best hand down the toilet.
It was a royal flush.
What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 1,000kg?
I got in trouble for toilet humor once.
But my record was ex-plunged.
Did you hear about guy who had a heart attack while trying to unclog his toilet?
He plunged to his death.
My evil sister purposefully flushed my wallet and other valuables down the toilet.
I think I’m going to sewer.
I just bought an ABBA toilet.
What a loo.
My son asked me what our IP address was.
I pointed to the toilet.
My son said, “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Kept calling it a hippo potty myth.
Why should you never play poker against the King of England when he is sitting on a toilet?
Because you can’t beat a royal flush.
How does an Australian greet his toilet?
I was sitting on the toilet when suddenly I said “A-E-O-U-I!”
I then realized I’d had a vowel movement.
I figured out how to hack into the toilet.
First, you lift the lid, and then urine!
What do you call tap shoes in the toilet?
Where do toilets live?
Why did the toilet have to contact HR?
Because it was forced to relieve multiple employees of their duties.
What happens when a photographer spends too much time on the toilet?
They get Polaroids.
I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles.
So I have signed a partition.
Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?
Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it’s rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
Urine all kinds of trouble if you don’t enjoy these funny urinal jokes, because you obviously don’t like toilet humor!
What is a urinal’s favorite junk food?
A urinal cake.
How are urinals evaluated?
They’re pee-er reviewed!
I bet you didn’t know the inventor of urinal cakes was 10 years old.
They called him a real whizz kid.
Today I learned that all urinals have the same serial number.
I don’t like John Candy.
Ok, technically they’re called urinal mints, but still they taste horrible.
I was accused of clock watching at work the other day.
At least I think that’s what the angry guy at the urinal beside me said.
It’s my job to fully test the functionality of newly-manufactured toilets and urinals.
I go where no man has ever gone before.
I heard a joke about urinals, but it didn’t make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends says, “I sit down when I pee.”
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling, “I though you were a stand-up guy!”
Why is there a penny in the urinal?
It’s a centipede.
“I just saw a guy at the urinal who had his pants and underwear around his ankles. Do you you know of any cultures where that is common?”
“No, I was washing my hands but that’s not important.”
Dad walked into a restroom and saw an “Out of order” sign on a urinal.
“Man, it’s going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order.”
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinals.
It makes them soggy and hard to light.
Two friends walk into a public toilet and find one urinal only.
One has to go.
I just found out the guy who invented the urinal has died.
While waiting to use the men’s room at a local bar I noticed everyone would do their business, sing, and then flush.
Then I saw the sign above the urinal, “Flush after using”.
I can’t use the urinals when there’s a person next to me.
I get pee-er pressure.
I had to use the bathroom, but all the urinals were full.
So I had to stall.
What do you call the sage advice from the guy at the urinal next to you?
I remember the day I went skydiving, looking down and being absolutely horrified by what I saw below.
Then I stepped away from the urinal and went for the jump.
Why are they called urinals…
And not quickie leaks?
One time I walked into a bathroom and there were no urinals.
I thought, “Huh… that’s strange.”
The girls that came in after me were apparently pretty freaked out by it too.
More Funny Jokes
Now we’ve dropped these hilarious puns and jokes about toilets on you, why not try out these other funny jokes: