Love and relationship jokes!

Jokes about love and relationships

I'm making a graph of my past relationships.
I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I wonder what she's up to now.
I'll never join one of those online dating services.
I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.
The other day my wife asked me, "Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, "Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?"
I replied, "They had avocados."
When I see lover's names engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic...
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
My girlfriend has her own taser.
She's a real stunner.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from their ex?
My ex.
"Welcome back everybody" is apparently not a good way to start a speech...
If you're the best man at your friend's second wedding.
My wife just threatened to leave me because of my "Filthy and disgusting habits."
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.
My wife and I were up all night arguing about whose turn it was to do the laundry.
At 2 am, I folded.
My wife gets angry...
That I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish Tinder had it too.
My wife complained that I don't buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers.
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, "Hey, let's exchange numbers."
I said, "Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?"
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine's Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I asked my girlfriend to rate my listening skills.
She said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10."
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
I met a girl at a club the other night who said she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside she ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
My friend told me he'd seen another guy put his arms around my girlfriend three times.
I said I didn't believe him.
Nobody's got arms that long.
My wife is a body builder.
She's pregnant.
My wife just told me that in 9 months I'll have a little surprise!
I can't wait for Santa to come now... I hope it's an Xbox.
My wife just accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married.
The wedding ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
(c) The Humor Zone.
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