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Funny Racing Jokes
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
Unfortunately, it just seems to have made him sluggish.
I have some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
They should replace batons with clocks in relay races.
It would be a great way to pass the time.
Every country on earth sent a runner to compete in a race. Who won?
It was a Thai.
Why did the mustard lose the race between sauces?
Because it couldn’t ketchup.
Why did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.
My grandma always used to say, “Slow and steady wins the race.”
She died in a house fire.
What do you call a racing pig who didn’t stretch?
I showed my dad marble racing on YouTube.
He asked me if it takes place in the Marble Cinematic Universe.
Two silk worms had a race.
It ended in a tie.
Why didn’t the lion win the race?
Because of the cheetahs.
Did you hear about the race between the cabbage, the tomato, the gravy, and the egg?
At first the cabbage was a head, but then the tomato found it could easily ketchup. The gravy kept running, and the egg got beaten.
I’ve been breeding racing deer.
Just trying to make a quick buck.
Why are tomatoes so good at racing?
They always ketchup.
I told the cop, “You can’t write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.”
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
Why is Adam considered the fastest person in the Bible?
He came first in the human race.
Why don’t pencils win races?
Because they’re stationary.
Two cats are having a swimming race.
One is called “One two three”, the other “Un deux trois”. Which cat won?
“One two three” because “Un deux trois cat sank”.
I come from mixed race parents.
My dad was a hurdler and my mum a sprinter.
There was a shooting today.
The suspect used a starting pistol.
They say it was race related.
You should never roll a pair of CDs down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first.
It would be a disk race.
2,4,6,8 all had a bike race.
It was a very even race.
Most people have heard of Karl Marx, but few know of his sister,
Onya. She was an Olympic runner. Her name is still mentioned at the start of every race.
What do you call it when you lose a foot race?
Lost a race to a Catholic lady in long robes today.
I thought I was the fastest, but it turns out I’m second to nun.
Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.
My wife’s dad just beat me in a race to read the entire constitution.
I got quite far, but he’s farther in law.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
I tried street racing once and lost.
I was out of breath after two blocks, but the street kept going for miles.
A marathon runner walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Why the long race?”
I bought a greyhound today and my wife asked me, “Are you going to race him?”
“Of course not.” I replied. “He’s faster than me.”
What do you call a gorgeous woman winning a race?
Did you hear about the condiments that came in first and last place in a race?
One relished in the victory and the other couldn’t ketchup to the others.
My Dad used to race pigeons.
He could never beat them though.
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn’t handle any more hare-racing adventures.
I once had to race across Arabia and northern Europe.
Iran to the Finnish line.
What do you call a hot dog that won a race?
Why does the moon always lose when racing the sun?
Because night skies finish last.
What do you call a race run by baristas?
I came first in the egg and spoon race.
Those eggs and spoons were no competition for me.
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
What did the vacuum cleaner say to the other vacuum cleaner during a race?
Eat my dust!
Horse Racing Jokes
My wife and kids are threatening to leave, because of my obsession with horse-racing.
And they’re off!
I think we can win the race, but my horse doubts it.
He’s a neighsayer.
Me: I was thinking about betting for the underdog in the Kentucky Derby.
Dad: See that’s why you will lose your money; they don’t have dogs in horse races.
I almost got into horse racing.
But then I figured, there’s enough of that going around.
I lost big at the horse races tonight.
They were so much faster than me.
What do you call a race ran by female horses?
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”
I had a bet on a horse race the other day.
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
The first Greek letter decided to vote on which horse would win the race.
It was an alphabet.
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
How do you make a small fortune betting on horse racing?
Start with a large fortune.
I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
I bet on a horse race yesterday.
It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.
What kind of bread does a race horse eat?
I backed a horse in a race yesterday.
It came in so late the jockey was wearing pyjamas.
I bet on a horse in a race yesterday.
It was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
I bet on a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
What’s the difference between praying in church and at the race track?
At the track you really mean it!
An inflatable jockey was riding an inflatable horse for an inflatable trainer and an inflatable owner.
Leading easily, he pulls up too early and two horses go past him.
After the race the jockey was so mad he stuck a pin in the horse, then he stuck a pin in the trainer and then the owner.
He was called in front of the stewards where he stuck a pin in himself.
The stewards said to him, “Not only did you let the horse, the trainer and the owner down, you have let yourself down.”
The horse I backed yesterday was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck.
Motor Car Racing Jokes
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, and she asked me if I win often.
I said no, the cars are much faster.
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races.
They owned the Finnish line.
What kind of dogs love car racing?
My new car racing game keeps crashing.
Says it needs a new driver.
My girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a racing car out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It’s murder trying to run in heels.
What do we want??!
Race car noises!!!
When do we want them?!!
Do you know why penguins would be amazing race car drivers?
Because they always start in pole position.
Dad pulls up to a red light.
Car next to him revs the engine and yells, “Race?”
Dad responds, “Hispanic!”
When I was young I asked my dad why cops don’t just use race cars to catch people because they are so fast.
His response was, “Because they only make left turns”.
Someone who likes playing racing games online is…
I accidentally swallowed a race car today.
It’s fine, I just have some Indy-gestion.
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
What do parents give their baby if they want them to become a future race car driver?
I once knew a snail who entered a motor car race.
They painted an “S” on the car for “snail” and while their car wasn’t all that fast, the snail ended up winning the race.
And all I could think about was, “Wow! look at that escargot!”
I met my ex at a race track.
Didn’t quite work out, we just drifted away.
I used to be a race car driver, and won a lot of races by spinning out the opponents.
I guess you could say I have a checkered past.
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