Best Dad Jokes

Dad’s telling bad jokes to their kids and making them groan is a time-honored tradition and who are we to interfere with tradition? So here’s a collection of funny Dad jokes so bad they’re good!

Table Of Contents

Funny Dad Jokes So Bad They’re Good!

Best Dad Jokes Ever!

We think these hilarious jokes are the best Dad jokes ever! See if you agree:

Today, my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said …

“You know, one would have been enough.”

What music genre are national anthems?

Country.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Image containing a dad joke about being a scuba diving instructor.

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.

Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.

I tell dad jokes even though I have no kids.

I’m a faux pa.

I went to see my doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.

He said, “You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees.

The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.

“That’s one too many!” says the customer.

The clerk replies, “It’s a freebie.”

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”

Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?

To the I.C.U.

My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house…

The difference is staggering.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, “Where did that come from?”

I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo.

There he was, in his uniform…

Straightaway I knew he was a keeper.

I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

Slightly Dirty Dad Jokes

These Dad jokes are ever so slightly dirty! Nothing too risque of course; after all, we’re a family-friendly site!

A hole was found in the wall of the local nudist camp.

The police are looking into it.

Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle its balls.

A naked man broke into a church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells?

Because she outgrew her B-shells.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover up their butt quacks.

What did the poo say to the fart?

You blow me away.

We visited a zoo last week where the only animal was just a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Which 5 letter body part is long and flexible and contains the letters P, E, N, I and S?

Spine.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your willy’s hanging out.

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard.

Personally, I’m on the fence.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees.

What did the elephant ask the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that thing?

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

Corny Dad Jokes

A good Dad joke is meant to be corny right? Well here’s a bunch of really cheesy Dad jokes just for you!

How do they make scissors at the factory?

With cutting edge technology.

Image containing a dad joke about being a scared knight.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?

Sir Render.

I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

What do you call a single kernel on a corn cob?

A unicorn.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

He can’t go near the crypt tonight.

I love how the earth rotates.

It really makes my day.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it’s fully groan.

My wife screamed, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”

What a weird way to start a conversation.

I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!” and I thought…

“That’s just spam.”

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don’t worry.

I’ll return.

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

First, a tractor.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

My Grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars…

He came home to us a seasoned veteran.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.

But I will recover.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?

They just ransomware.

I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them.

Which African country is TESLA founder Elon Musk from?

Mad-at-gas-car, obviously.

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

Christmas Dad Jokes

The festive season is a time for family and laughter, so what better way to celebrate with these Christmas Dad jokes?

How did Darth Vader know what to get Luke for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

I can’t believe there are 364 days left until Christmas…

And people have already got their decorations up.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

I got a universal remote for Christmas.

This changes everything.

Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…

It’s a big red flag.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

“What day is today, Adam?”

“For the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve.”

The sweater I got for Christmas was picking up static electricity so I went to the store to return it.

They gave me another one. Free of charge.

Why were the eggs Benedict served on a shiny platter on Christmas morning?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

Today my kids told me they want a pony for Christmas.

I normally cook a turkey, but whatever makes them happy.

Stupid Dad Jokes

Have you ever given someone a dumb look when they’ve told you a really stupid Dad joke? Well now you can get the same reaction from others with these fine examples!

What do you call a row of men waiting for a hair cut?

A barbercue.

When is the best time to buy a trampoline?

Spring time.

What kind of music does a balloon listen to?

Pop.

I thought about going on an all almond diet.

But that would just be nuts!

Image containing a dad joke about fighting dinosaurs.

Never fight dinosaurs…

You’ll get Jurasskicked.

If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no-one ever mentions his sister…

Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives…

I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then.

He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man,” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”

I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”

I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=20 and 11+11=22.

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?”

I replied, “No… It’s to look at.”

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?”

Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”

Rich exclaimed, “I want lots of money!”

I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing.

He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I replied, “Sure… they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name.

So I called her Bluff.

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

Worst Dad Jokes Of All Time

Their’s terrible Dad jokes and then there’s these – definitely the worst Dad jokes ever! They’re sure to make you cringe!

Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?

Because they had no chemistry.

What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?

Too close for comfort food.

My furniture and I are really close.

My recliner and I go way back.

It took me 11 puns to finally make my friend laugh…

Because no pun in ten did.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly because…

Communication is key.

What do an English teacher and a coder have in common?

They’re both pro-grammars.

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it.

Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”

I said, “Slim to nun.”

Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

What has five toes but isn’t your foot?

My foot.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, “What’s upstairs!?”

I chuckled and replied, “Aww sweetie… stairs don’t talk!”

A kid is pouring himself some milk.

His dad walks into the room and asked, “What kind of milk is that?”

The kid says, “Soy milk”.

Dad replies with, “Hola milk, soy Dad.”

My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”

She screamed, “These contractions are going to kill me!!”

“I’m sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight.

One draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline.

My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I was named after my Dad …

Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof!

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

I slept like a log last night.

Woke up in the fireplace.

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Dark Dad Jokes

Did you know a dark sense of humor is a sign of intelligence? So if you find these dark Dad jokes funny, you must be really clever!

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

How do crazy people get through the woods?

They take the psycho path.

Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words.

Stop shaking the ladder, I’m gonna fall!

According to ancient Japanese lore, the color of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die.

Cyan-aura.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologise” mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing scrabble with me again.

My friend drowed so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

I will always fondly remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo.

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She was watching our wedding video again.

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it’s terminal.

A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 Miles.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “I think we need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”

That spoke volumes.

When I die, I want to be cremated.

It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body.

I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’

Stupid firemen.

My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

A man is sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asks for any last words.

The man sitting in the chair responds: “I won’t be shocked if this doesn’t work.”

Thanksgiving Dad Jokes

Stuff yourself silly with these hilarious Thanksgiving Dad jokes!

I️ think I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

My doctor wants me to quit cold turkey.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Thanksgiving, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

You hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?

They beat the stuffing outta each other.

Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?

It had 24 carrots.

What kind of key is edible?

A turkey.

How do you fix a pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch.

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

What do you call a heavy pumpkin?

A plumpkin.

At Thanksgiving dinner I asked my mom if she could season the turkey.

She said, “There’s not thyme.”

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty children?

If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy.

Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner?

He was ready for a roast.

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?

The casse-role.

What sound does a turkey’s phone make?

“Wing, wing.”

Halloween Dad Jokes

These Halloween Dad jokes are scarily funny! Make no bones about it – there’s not a ghost of a chance you won’t be giggling away at them!

How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?

You use a pumpkin patch.

I said to my son, “There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.”

He asked, “Which is?”

I replied, “Exactly!”

Did you know vampires aren’t real?

Unless you Count Dracula.

What do Italian ghosts eat?

Spooketti Boolognese.

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy.

I asked him where he got that from. He said …

“I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”

What do you call a zombie who writes music?

A decomposer.

Why is it cheaper to throw a party at a haunted house?

Because the ghosts bring all the boos.

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

I was working in a factory making plastic Draculas for Halloween.

There was only 2 of us on the production line so I had to make every second count.

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Grains.

Why are ghosts so fat?

Because they’re scared to exorcise.

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?

Because he’s a neck romancer.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos.

What do you call a zombie who cooks stir frys?

Dead man wok-ing.

We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius…

But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

One Liner Dad Jokes

If you like your jokes short and sweet, you’ll love this collection of the best one liner Dad jokes!

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

If pronouncing my Bs as Vs makes me sound Russian, then Soviet.

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

The average person is really mean.

A chemist froze himself to -273.15°C and everyone called him crazy but personally, I think he was 0K.

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.

I was addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at.

Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines but catscan.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours they called it a day.

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Even though SpongeBob is the main character, Patrick is the star.

I was wondering why the baseball kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

Sore throats are a pain in the neck.

More Life Jokes