Funny animal jokes!

Animal jokes and puns

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank...
Does that make him bambidextrous?
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."
Where are sea horses kept?
In the corral reef.
One of my hens can count her own eggs.
She's a mathamachicken.
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat what ever bugs them.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A guy walks into the library and asks for a book on sea turtles.
The librarian asks, "Hard back?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, little heads too."
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.

Bear jokes and puns

Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in.
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
Why did Winnie the Pooh quit his job writing obituaries?
He didn't like being the bear of bad news.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
"Never buy flowers from a monk", Smokey the Bear said.
Only you can prevent florist friars.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead.
But when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead.
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Cat jokes and puns

My cat got stolen.
I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Why is it better to bring dogs into space than cats?
To avoid any cat-astro-fees.
I took my cat to the vet today.
He was not feline well.
Did you know that if you pour salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat".
You've probably seen our posters.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Cow jokes and puns

How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
If a cow doesn't produce milk, it's both an udder failure, and a milk dud.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
What goes "ooh ooh"?
A cow with no lips.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and outside at the same time?
When it's standing in the doorway of the barn.

Dog jokes and puns

I spotted an albino Dalmatian today.
It was the least I could do.
What breed of dog will unlock your front door?
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost?
A cocker poodle boo.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog.
After he climbed out, he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine."
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He said, "Vet? I'm soaking!"
My daughter said to me, "Dad, the dog has confetti stuck to his butt."
I said, "That's because he's a party pooper!"
I adopted a dog from a Blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the backdoor
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I named my dog "5 Miles".
Now I can brag that I walk 5 Miles every day.
A man walks into a zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a shitzu.

Giraffe jokes and puns

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes.
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
Why do giraffes have such long necks?
Because if they didn't, their heads would just be floating in the air.
Why did the giraffe break up with his girlfriend?
Because she was a cheetah.
What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?
You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

Goat jokes and puns

What do you get when you ask a poorly goat to be a DJ?
A sick bleat.
What does a baby goat order in a restaurant?
The kids' meal.
I'm a licensed therapist, and my uncle, who'd been having a problem on his farm, asked me if I could come by and psychoanalyze one of his animals.
I refused because, quite honestly, I ain't a Freud of no goats.
It's okay to laugh when goats give birth.
They're just kidding.
Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong.
But whatever floats your goat.

Horse jokes and puns

Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: Why did you call him that, he's not even a white horse?
Mayo: [neighs]
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I can't giddy up!"
How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each foot.
I really don't like hanging around horses.
Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
Why wasn't the horse interested in breeding in the barn?
He was hoping for a more stable relationship.

Koala jokes and puns

Why isn't a koala a real bear?
It doesn't meet all the koalafications.
What exercise equipment does a koala use?
A eucalyptical.
Why are the best bears found in Australia?
Because they're high koala-ty.
Why didn't the koala get the job he went for?
Because he was over-koalafied.
What did the koala write in his Valentine's Day card to his girlfriend?
"I love you-calyptus."
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus?
He simply couldn't leaf it alone.
What is a koala's favorite soft drink?

Monkey jokes and puns

What's the difference between a poorly dressed monkey on a tricycle and a well-dressed monkey on a bicycle?
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What did Curious George say when his sister had a baby?
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What is a monkey's favorite dance move?
The banana split.
What do you call an angry monkey?
Furious George.
Why did the monkey take his banana to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling good.

Octopus jokes and puns

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Why did the octopus blush?
It just saw the bottom of the ocean.
What do you call an octopus that's missing one tentacle?
Octopus Prime.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea?
It leaves squid marks.
How did the octopus pay for his newspaper?
With ten nickels.

Pig jokes and puns

What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig's blood?
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory?
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Why is waking up at 2am like a pigs tail?
It's twirly.

Rat jokes and puns

I hit a rat with my car today.
It left a ro-dent.
What do you call a rodent that steals your dessert?
A pie-rat.
A church has a rat problem but they don't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try asking them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea; he baptizes all the rats.
Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.
What do you get when you mix a rat and an elephant?
Who cares? It's a relephant.
Why do rats suck at taking pictures?
Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.
What will a rat never tell you?
A squeakret.
Where do mice and rats go to get drinks?
To a squeakeasy.
Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by.
Baby rat turns to his mom and says, "Look ma, an angel."
What do you call a rat living in subway?

Turtle jokes and puns

What do you call a lesson on turtles?
A turtorial.
What do you call a turtle missing one leg?
Turtle leanie.
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate.
What do you call a turtle crossed with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
My favourite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle.
Strange name but she tortoise well.
Do you have any books on turtles?
Yes, with little legs.
(c) The Humor Zone.
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